Beyond Doubt
by steven watemaker
Summary: post R2 In a downward spiral of Obsession and Despair, She reaches out for the person she can trust the least. SuzaKallen, Please R
1. Chapter 1

**Beyond Doubt**

_By: Steven Watemaker_

He was no stranger to the sensation of blade meeting flesh. He pushed in the sword, both with hesitation and conviction, and watched his victim fall, bleeding to his death. The triumphant roar of the crowd rang in his ears, and for a moment he relished in the high of his victory. But there was no time to celebrate. "I have a world to change", he whispered to himself.

The crowd started chanting in jubilation. Their tone was a pitiful mix of sadism and awe. It was weird. It was new. It was fulfilling, but at the same time saddening. It was giving him all sorts of emotions that he did not dare feel before. He was happy... He was distraught... He became a walking contradiction. Then, the masked man smirked. He became they symbol of the new world. "So this is how it feels" he thought... and then he finally understood. He had become Zero.

Far away, a red-haired woman was in tears. She just had witnessed an assassination. But to her, it seemed like suicide. It was like one side killed another side of the same coin. She couldn't comprehend it. It was like some sort of sadistic farce that was ripping her insides out. It was bittersweet. No, it was more bitter than sweet. She knew that the world would be a better place from now on. She knew that peace had been obtained... So why the heartache? And why the pain?

As her binds were released, she fell to her knees and sobbed. Kouzuki Karen was distraught. Karen Kouzuki was confused. Karen Kouzuki was relieved. She felt bad for herself, having all these conflicting emotions... Little did she know that the assassin had the same feelings coursing within him.

And so begins the downward spiral of Obsession and Despair.

XXX

Seven weeks had passed. Kouzuki Karen no longer lived a double-life. She was a student at Ashford Academy, where she was doing quite well, without many absences which were before attributed to her work as a terrorist. She still works part-time for the Order of the Black Knights, though. The Military arm of the United Federation of Nations is tasked with the burden of keeping the peace within the Federation. Fighting insurgents, terrorists, and all those whose goal is to break the peace is their objective. Karen... was their ace. And under the leadership of its commander, Li Xingke, and its mysterious CEO, Zero, it has done its duty quite well in the days following the fall of Emperor Lelouch vi Britannia, the tyrant 99th emperor of the Holy Britannian Empire. But something bugged most of the old members of the Order: Zero's true identity...was Lelouch himself.

But as Kyoshiro Todou kept saying, "As long as he brings resukts, who cares who he is?" This became some sort of mantra that rang every time the topic came up. Indeed, the CEO's identity remained shrouded in mystery and confusion. But Karen was a stubborn woman. And sooner or later, curiosity will catch up with her. That time finally came one rainy day.

Zero's work was harsh. He regularly retired to his chambers after long hours of working. If he wasn't commanding the battlefield or signing tons of paperwork, he was nowhere to be seen. Sometimes one can see him walking around the lush gardens near the new Pendragon City, oftentimes he would be at the shrines of Japan. He was very unpredictable. But his quarters at the Ikaruga were constant. And that rainy day, he was cooked up in his office doing a video conference with Xingke. At times of peace, most of the Black Knights were doing secretarial duties, and that was one of the days Karen was free and was able to help around. So, she was asked by Tamaki (who was, as usual, cleaning up messes he himself made) to give an insane pile of papers to Zero's office.

The steel doors opened, and the masked man was still talking to his commander. But three seconds after she had stepped in, Xingke signed out. Zero swiveled his chair and looked at the person who intruded into his lair.

"Karen... I appreciate your help today." He tried to be courteous.

"It is my duty to help out." She replied. At that moment, she had him alone. He was in his office, and she could easily bolt him to the floor and take the freaking mask off. After all, Lelouch was a wimp whose bodily strength was inversely proportional to his intellect.

"You have been relying much on Commander Li lately." She said.

"Well, it's pretty hard to make decisions." Zero admitted. Karen narrowed her eyes.

"Anything wrong? Please just place the papers on the table. You are dismissed." Zero was typing into his computer and didn't look as Karen slowly advanced towards his desk.

She placed the pile of papers in his table. "Who are you?"

Zero looked at her. "I am Zero."

"Lelouch is dead." She replied.

"I know. I killed him."

"Stop playing games with me."

"Pardon?" the man within the mask raised an eyebrow. Not that his companion would see it, though.

"I don't know how you did it, but you faked Lelouch's death, right?"

"Faked?!" Zero was starting to raise his voice. "I eliminated the single most evil person in the world and you think I _faked _it?"

"Frankly, yes. Lelouch."

At those words, Zero chuckled.

"What's so funny?"

"Lelouch is dead."

"I thought that had already been established." Karen's sarcasm was slowly matching that of her superior.

"I am Zero. Zero is a symbol. He has no other name, he has no other identity. Zero is Zero. Lelouch is Lelouch. We are two different people. One of our biggest differences is that I'm alive and he isn't." He sounded like he was reading off a poorly-written script.

"Take the effing mask off." Karen started, and she reached towards the mask. As if upon instinct, Zero stood up, and in one fluid motion grabbed her arm and slammed her torso into the desk, causing papers to be disarranged and articles to be shaken.

"What?! Lelouch... can never do that." She conceded.

"I'm glad we have that clarified." Zero said, resuming his seat. "Fix yourself, Miss Kouzuki. You are dismissed."

Infuriated, Karen bolted out of the room.

Zero took off his mask and wiped his gloved head on his face. He then buried both hands into his brown locks.

"What have you gotten yourself into, Suzaku?" He asked.

Outside, Karen was furious. At the same time, she was disappointed. In that mix of feelings, she formulated her resolve. "I shall unmask Zero."


	2. Chapter 2

She felt hot; searing in fact. She tried hard not to burst into a sweat. "_Not now_", she told herself. She wasn't sure whether it was the heat of the place she was in (coupled with the black uniform she was wearing) or sheer nervousness that was causing her sweat glands to go into overdrive. But what in the world would make her so nervous, and so conscious about perspiration?

Well, for starters, she wasn't exactly in her element, that's for sure. The location... or rather, the situation was so foreign to her that it seemed being there was beyond ludicrous. Secondly, sweat would dissolve what was applied into her face a few minutes before: make-up. And in the hot studio lights, not sweating was an almost impossible feat.

Why Karen was in a television studio in the first place was the fault of mainly three people: Commander Li Xingke, who said that the Black Knights should show its face to the media as a keeper of peace, Princess Sumeragi Kaguya, who enforced the idea, and added that an "ambassador" should be sent as the face of the Black Knights to the media, and Zero, who, in all his great tactical mind, decided that the organization's ace was the perfect person.

She swore she was going to strangle Zero the moment she sets foot in the Ikaruga. And the fact that she still didn't know who was behind the mask still irritated her. She knew it can't be Lelouch, she had to keep reminding herself that he had bitten the dust months before. So who else? Maybe it was that green-haired girl... But then again, she was well, a girl. She couldn't possibly slam her face into the desk like what happened last time. That kind of strength was reserved for someone like... Suzaku. Yeah... Suzaku.. Wasn't he the Knight of Zero? But then again, she saw the Lancelot Albion blow up right in front of her eyes. The more she thought about it, the more she became confused. But if it was any consolation, it distracted her from the fact that she was in a television studio and exposed to the hot studio lights.

"Karen!" a singsong voice, coming from a blonde woman started calling. But Karen was too deep in thought. "Earth to Karen!" came next. And again, to no avail.

"Karen!!" Milly snapped her fingers in front of the red-haired ace. Karen crashed back to Earth.

"Wha-what?" She struggled to regain her composure.

"I was asking you about your mixed lineage. Was it a conflict of interests during the Black Rebellion? You being half-Britannian and such." Milly repeated her question.

"Not at all" She began, trying to sound confident with herself. "I've always thought myself as Japanese, so there wasn't any bearing about me being half-Britannian."

Milly nodded, and turned a cue card. She smiled and glanced Karen direction. It was _that_ smirk, _that_ glance that had her nervous. The very same look she was dreading the moment she entered the _Milly Ashford_ _Show_ as a "special guest"

"Tell me about Zero."

"Zero?" was the first thing she asked. She then let out a barely audible "Crap."

"I'm interested you see," Milly expounded her question, and Karen knew she was going in for the kill. "He's such a heroic character, you see. Surely someone like you, with almost equal heroic attributes, should place him in high regard."

"High regard?" Karen thought. "You're asking if I have the hots for him, aren't you?" Of course, she didn't say that. She tried to compose something professional, hiding a blush creeping up her face.

"I do. Everyone in the Black Knights does. He does have a bit of... mystique in him, with his mask and all... But it is in leadership that we look up to him."

"I see..." Milly replied, apparently disappointed at the answer she got. "Tell me, how did it feel to see the Emperor Lelouch stabbed before your eyes?" an "ooh..." erupted from the studio audience. Shock was in Karen's eyes. A satisfied smirk was planted firmly in Milly's face.

Karen's answer came after a long pause. "It was well, shocking. I myself looked away when the deed was about to be done." She then thought if Milly was even allowed to ask such sensitive questions in a TV show.

"What of these rumors that you were intimate with the Emperor?'

That's it. Zero just signed his death sentence.

"Come in" Zero answered the knock on his door. It was Karen, fuming mad at her superior officer.

"How did it go?" He asked, not looking up from his papers. Karen was too angry to respond to such a casual question.

"Hmm... I guess I should watch it tonight, then."

"You put me through hell. Is this your idea of a sick joke?"

"Pardon?" Suzaku asked, finally looking at her face.

"No, it was Commander Li who put you through hell. It was his idea anyway."

"But it was _your_ idea to send me to the damn show!"

"You're the ace of the Black Knights! You're the obvious choice.. Besides, I thought you'd like to see Milly again."

Karen took that last comment as a clue.

"You know I was friends with Milly."

"Oh Crap" Suzaku said to himself. He started to panic... to think of an excuse. "Well, you _were_ a part of the Student Council, and she was president during your time at Ashford. So I thought..."

"Lelouch didn't extrapolate things like that" She interjected.

"Lelouch is dead."

"Argh!" She said, more irritated at Zero than ever, as she stormed out of his office.


	3. Chapter 3

Author's Notes: Sorry for the long delay of this update. As compensation, I made it extra long. XD Part of this chapter was taken from another fic I've written for the CG community, _Bitter Irony_. I originally meant that particular one-shot to be a companion of this one. If you have read bitter irony before, please note that there aren't any significant additions in this chapter.

"I'm sorry miss Kouzuki." The doctor said, "we have done all we can do."

Tears streamed down Kallen's face. "Doctor…"

The Doctor shook his head. "Let's just hope for the best." He said as he left.

Kallen entered the room where her mother lay in a coma. She was admitted into the hospital a few weeks ago after suffering a stroke, and just underwent surgery to prevent a possible aneurism. She was hooked up to monitors and respirators… Kallen, strong as she might, had trouble stomaching the scene. At least she didn't have to see the state of the people she killed during the war, not that they were any close to her in the first place.

"Oh hey! I heard your mother just…" Rivalz announced, entering the room. After seeing the state Mrs. Kouzuki was in, he decided to shut up.

Kallen was wiping the tears off her eyes. "Thank you for coming." Soon, Milly and Nina came in.

"We're here for you Kallen." Milly said, putting her arms around her friend.

Kallen knew she had to be strong. Her friends were there for her, sure. But she still felt lost. Like… She needed someone equally strong to lean on.

The first thing that came into her mind was Lelouch.

"Lelouch is dead!" came Zero's booming voice inside her head.

She sighed.

Maybe she only fell in love with the man behind the mask… Because of the identity the mask was trying to portray. Therefore…

She tried hard to stop that train of thought. There was no way she was in love with Zero. She'd fallen for Lelouch, yes, she'll admit that. But somehow…

"Kallen?"

"Yes!" She snapped out of her reverie.

Milly was looking at Kallen intently. "I was asking what you would like for lunch?"

"Oh…" Kallen simply told her friends what she wanted, and then waited in her room with her still-unconscious mother. She just wanted to be alone at the moment.

"Mom, what do I have to do?" She started crying again, hugging her mother's body.

XXX

Ambition was his fuel, dreams were his companions, and fate took him to his destination, only to be "cursed" for committing a "sin". Such was the fate of Kururugi Suzaku. Then major of the Britannian army, promoted to Personal Knight, promoted to Knight of Seven, promoted to Knight of Zero, finally ending up as the person whom he had fought countless battles with. He was no longer the main agent of the counterattack: He was now the very thing that started the attack in the first place.

Irony... is a bitter thing.

He spent most of his time now behind a mask: as his friend Lelouch had done quite often. Now he was leading an entire army, one that is not poised to instigate rebellion, but one tasked to keep the peace. And amid the chatter of a "resurrection", "conspiracy", and "identity" going on inside the Black Knights, his authority has never been questioned, not by the lowest ranks, all the way to Commander Li Xingke. He spent most of his days behind a mask, and those unmasked moments were spent in utter darkness.

In that darkness however, he wasn't feeling the normal emptiness and dread. He was feeling annoyance. There was a most unwelcome intruder in his quarters.

Gold eyes met Green.

"HE is worried." The green-haired intruder told him. "You haven't seemed to be acting like yourself lately."

Suzaku retaliated. "Well, tell HIM it's not exactly a walk in the park trying to act like HIM while taking on all the crap being thrown at me!" Suzaku enunciated every single "him" he uttered, throwing his mask at the woman before him.

"Hmmm… haven't worn this for a while." C.C. ignored Suzaku's retort, and put the Zero mask on.

"What the hell are you doing, witch?" Suzaku was at his wits end.

"Calm down." C.C. replied, taking off the mask. "I just came to check on you. Like I said, Lelouch is worried."

"Lelouch is dead!" that phrase stabbed him. It has become more like a catchphrase for him now. It reminded him of a certain subordinate.

"Technically, yes. But that doesn't mean I can't-"

"I KNOW YOU CAN TALK TO HIM, OKAY?"

"Why, would you want to?"

"Do you have any other thing to do other than annoy me?"

"I don't know. I'm immortal. I get bored a lot."

"Just… leave."

"All right, I'll tell Lelouch you're losing it." C.C. said, and then she escaped out the window.

"Oh, and, I'd like to tell you this: Keep it easy."

Keep it easy? That was easier said than done. The Black Knights were currently undergoing backlash since they tried to quell a rebellion with… let's just say a little too much force. Human rights activists left and right were questioning if the Order had the right to use such force… Commander Li tried to quiet the situation by saying that the rebels took human hostages and threatened to kill them. But most of the anger came directed at Zero.

It was a stressful two weeks for Zero: public appearances, court cases, angry mobs throwing rotten tomatoes at him during press conferences… the works. He'd lost a lot of sleep, and trying to keep his composure and think of a way out of this (as Lelouch would) was like trying to calculate the state a FLEIJA projectile would assume given any moment in time.

"Zero-sama" came Schneizel's voice from behind the closed door of his quarters. "Your presence is needed at the conference room." He gave a sigh, grabbed his clothes, put on his mask, and quietly left his quarters, as the doors opened, his eyes met Schneizel's, the sides of which were glowing red from the after-effects of geass.

"What have I gotten myself into?" He whispered to himself.

The conference room was a little small: it was designed to fit only a handful of people. A circular table was in the center, projecting a hologram of the Earth into the air. Already seated were Li Xingke, Empress Tianzi, Princesses Kaguya Sumeragi and Nunnally vi Britannia, and Karen Kouzuki

"Where is Ougi Kaname?" Zero asked.

"He filed a leave of absence to take care of his child", replied Xingke, not leaving his eyes from the stack of papers before him. Karen cleared her throat to speak, but was immediately cut off by her superior. "The matter at hand is this: we have been seeing less and less participation from you, Zero, this past few weeks."

"We are starting to get concerned whether or not you are capable of handling your position as CEO." Karen continued the train of thought.

"If it so please the council," Schneizel started to speak, but Zero raised his hand to silence him. "I admit that my visibility has been low lately, and I'd like to attribute it to my current ill health." Suzaku had to admit, it was a lie... He was unsure whether or not the people in front of him would buy his story. He looked around: Karen was fidgeting, the princesses were studying him, no doubt ascertaining his condition. His eyes stopped as he reached Nunnally's.

She held out her hand, and said "please. Say that again while holding this."

Suzaku took a microscopic step backwards. He knew that Nunnally could smell a lie a mile away.

"Princess, I doubt that would be of any help to the current situation." Zero replied the princess in a cold, almost inhumane voice: his vain attempt at keeping his composure. He held the side of his head... He was starting to feel unwell just being there.

"May I suggest you take a leave of absence, Zero-sama?" asked Schneizel.

"If the King does not move, neither will his followers." Zero replied, trying to sound like Lelouch by quoting him. Most people in the room shifted their seats after hearing that.

"But the King has not been moving at all." Xingke rebutted, sensing the weakness in Zero's form. "That is what we have been discussing as of the moment."

Suzaku began feeling faint, he shifted his feet to maintain balance, and tripped momentarily on his own feet. Schneizel rushed to help him stand again, but Zero refused, and pushed him away, a little too forcefully than required.

"Again, we express our concern." Kaguya started. "If it means your ability to lead the Black Knights is impaired, then the UFN will have no choice but to authorize a short leave, only until your health returns."

It was true. Maybe he needed a break. He sighed, conceding, and replied. "Fine. I accept."

"Then that's that." Xingke. "Zero is to go on sick leave until further notice." The other members of the room nodded in approval, noting the CEO's strange behavior and lapses of judgment lately. It would seem that the workload has finally gotten to him.

Zero turned to leave, as the meeting was adjourned. Nunnally quickly tried to catch up to him on her wheelchair. "Zero-sama!" she started, waiting for him to stop and for her to catch up. "If there's anything wrong, please feel free to tell me."

"Nothing is wrong, princess, nothing at all." He turned and went inside his chambers again. All alone in the dark, Suzaku resumed the position he was in before he was summoned. From his pocket, he produced a couple of Photos: one of Lelouch, one of Euphemia, one of his Father. All gone... All dead. In his vicious thrust to attain his ends and to pay for his sins, he finally succumbed to the crumbling weight of his curse. All alone, no one to guide him, trying to relinquish everything about his past.

Lelouch desired the future.... and so did he. But there are so many things, so much heartache that was keeping him chained to the past... and there was so much that he could not even bear other than to survive the present. How does one reach the future, when everything has been stripped away from you, when you have been cursed?

He laughed. At first it started as a chuckle, but then it began to grow to maniacal proportions. He was losing himself: his sanity, his purpose, his life... And all he could do was laugh. He had erased hundreds of lives, and witnessed too much death in order to attain the peace he wanted. But in the end, the peace he really needed... was one within himself.

Irony... is a bitter thing.

And so, the gears of irony started moving.

XXX

Kallen was walking down the hallway which led to Zero's chambers. She had this itching feeling of wanting to be of assistance to him… With him being at his wit's end and all… But as she approached the door, she heard… Laughter.

But she had heard that voice before… She knew where it came from. She had heard _that _particular laugh before.

She started banging at the door. "Zero? Zero! Are you alright?" She had known that that particular laugh meant someone was losing it entirely. After all, she had heard Lelouch laugh like that countless times. But that wasn't Lelouch's laugh at all… It was different, and it seemed way too familiar.

"But it can't be… He's supposed to be dead!" She told herself.

The banging yielded nothing. Until, in some sort of Freudian slip, she cried out, "Suzaku! Open up!"


End file.
